Tuesday, 1 December 2009

Santa: Man or Woman?

Greetings and salutations,

I've been given a much-needed kick up the arse and decided that with my veritable talent for spouting hogwash, filth and general bollocks needs another outlet other than my mouth and the unsuspecting ears of those around me. I've kept many blogs detailing my travels around the globe (travelblog.org/bloggers/bobcat), a fake news blog (glassandbush.blackapplehost.com) and another private journal (ha! no url here!) however thought it might be a crackin' plan to investigate posting something which may possibly connect to my life as a member of a band, and of course any other ephemera which is regurgitated as a result.

The spark for this new venture was brought to me via a friend who told me of the Hundred Days project; a scheme to joust people into becoming better people over a hundred days and to document it. I'm not sure if I will become "better" (because how can perfection BE bettered?) but I know I'll feel a lot better for at least having written something everyday.

Are you likely to find introspection, insight and quirky aphorisms? Unlikely. And for that I can only offer to promise intelligent debate. Today's question being: is it possible that Santa is indeed a hermaphrodite? I could stray into detail concerning geographical restraints of genitals, and how much additional body mass one such festive stalwart would gain should he pertain to owning a cock and a minge. Sat with two friends we even explored the idea of a new line of Christmas cards.

I will leave you with this. Picture the scene: a sweet-faced, elderly relative eagerly opens an envelope which had been sandwiched between a Betterware catalogue and a leaflet for Freeview, almost thrown away! As they pull the card out, knowing it's from a grandchild or old friend, they pre-empt the gesture within and begin smiling. Which immediately disappears as the intricate electric internals of the card demonstrate Santa stroking a todger the size of a redwood while simultaneously giving himself a good fisting, below the glittering greeting "Have a Hermy Christmas!"

Oh come on! Smile for fuck's sake!

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